Kristin Neff, Ph.D.: The Power of Self-Compassion

Kristen Neff’s Journey to Self-Compassion

• Studied cultural anthropology, moral development, and gender hierarchy in college
• Went to India for her dissertation research
• Personal life fell apart while in India, leading to a lot of shame and trauma
• Started learning mindfulness meditation to cope with stress and trauma
• Joined a meditation group that followed the teachings of Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh
• First night at the meditation group, the concept of self-​​compassion was introduced
• Realized she had never thought about being actively kind and supportive to herself
• Wasn’t a particularly harsh self-​​critic, but the idea of self-​​compassion resonated with her
  Kristen Neff’s Experience with Self-Compassion
• Struggled with shame and guilt after a difficult period in her life 
• Started practicing self-​​compassion by speaking kindly and supportively to herself 
  • Found it to be like discovering a superpower
• Mindfulness meditation took longer to figure out, but self-​​compassion had an immediate impact
• Believes in the concept of different parts of ourselves (internal family systems) 
  • Each part has a different function, ultimately aimed at safety and survival
• Compassionate part of ourselves is often exercised when relating to others 
  • Activating this part and aiming it inward can have immediate benefits
• Self-​​compassion can help uncover deeper layers of self-​​judgment over time

Practicing Self-​​Compassion

• Peter’s friend suggested imagining a close friend in the same situation and consoling them 
  • Peter practiced this by recording himself speaking kindly to himself after difficult experiences
  • Found it to be very effective in deescalating negative emotions
• Self-​​compassion can be powerful because the compassionate part of ourselves is already developed 
  • Just need to access that part and apply it to ourselves

Neff’s Shift in Focus to Self-Concept

• Became interested in Buddhism and the idea of self-concept 
  • Understanding how the sense of separate self and ego leads to suffering
• Decided to pivot her research to self-​​concept development 
  • Worked with Susan Harder, studying autonomy and connectedness in relationships and self-focus
  • Explored how the development of self-​​concept impacts various aspects of life
    Self Esteem vs. Self Compassion
• Self esteem is not necessarily a good thing 
  • Can be unstable and contingent on success or failure
  • Can lead to unhealthy ways of achieving high self esteem (e.g. bullying, feeling superior to others)
• Self compassion is more helpful than self esteem 
  • Provides a stable sense of self worth, not contingent on outcomes
  • Linked to higher self esteem and less self hate
• Self esteem and self compassion are not mutually exclusive 
  • People with self compassion generally have self esteem
  • Not everyone with self esteem has self compassion

Constructive Criticism vs. Harsh Criticism

• Constructive criticism is more effective than harsh criticism 
  • Harsh criticism can lead to performance anxiety and disconnection from others
  • Self compassion works better as a motivator than self criticism or self esteem
• Research shows that self compassion leads to better learning from failure 
  • Allows for objective assessment of mistakes and improvement

Study on Self Compassion as a Motivator

• UC Berkeley study had students fail a difficult vocabulary test 
  • Split into three groups: self compassion, self esteem, and no instruction (likely self critical)
  • Students given time to study and retake the test
• Results showed that self compassionate group studied longer and harder 
  • Longer study time correlated with better performance on the next exam
    Self-​​Compassion in Children and Adolescents
• Self-​​compassion leads to a growth mindset, where individuals learn from their mistakes 
• No clear data on when self-​​compassion patterns are set in children 
  • New scale for youth to measure self-​​compassion just released
  • Suspected to be around age 7 or 8 when children understand concepts of friendship, fairness, and reciprocity
• Adolescents can understand self-​​compassion better due to metacognition and abstract thinking skills 
  • Can discuss the importance of self-​​worth not being contingent on external factors

Social Media and Comparison

• Social media has increased the potential for comparison and ranking among individuals 
  • Self-​​compassion is more important today than ever before
• Some benefits of social media include access to diverse points of view and connections with others who share similar experiences 
  • Can be positive for certain communities, such as LGBTQ+
• Negative aspects of social media include increased stress and suicide rates

Parenting a Child with Autism

• Diagnosis of autism can be devastating for parents 
  • Feelings of disappointment, grief, and fear are common
• Self-​​compassion and mindfulness practices can help parents cope with these emotions 
  • Allowing all emotions to be felt and actively giving oneself support
  • Treating oneself as one would treat a good friend in a similar situation
• The more self-​​compassion a parent has, the better parent they can be to their child with autism 
  • Accepting one’s own difficult feelings about the situation allows for better acceptance of the child’s autism
    Rowan’s Experience with Horses
• Rowan, a child with autism, had difficulty speaking and communicating 
• First time on a horse, he spoke a complete sentence
• Horses may help with brain integration in autistic children
• Riding horses might improve cross-​​brain communication and language skills

Self-​​Compassion and Trauma

• Early childhood trauma can hinder self-​​compassion in adulthood
• Insecure attachment can lead to feelings of unworthiness
• Self-​​compassion can help heal from early trauma by re-​​parenting oneself
• Earned secure attachment can be developed through self-compassion

Self-​​Compassion and PTSD

• Self-​​compassion can help process trauma and prevent PTSD
• MDMA and other psychedelics may increase self-​​compassion and connectedness
• Three components of self-​​compassion: self-​​kindness, mindfulness, and common humanity

Self-​​Compassion and Physical Health

• Emerging literature shows a link between self-​​compassion and better physical health
• Self-​​compassion reduces sympathetic activity (inflammation, cortisol) and increases parasympathetic activity (heart rate variability)
• Improved immune function and telomere length may also be linked to self-compassion

Self-​​Compassion vs. Self-Pity

• Self-​​compassion requires self-​​kindness, mindfulness, and common humanity
• Self-​​pity is a self-​​focused state without the other components of self-compassion
• The difference between pity and compassion lies in the presence of mindfulness and common humanity
  Difference Between Pity and Compassion
• Pity feels condescending, creates a sense of separation 
• Compassion is shared, recognizing common humanity and imperfections

Self-​​Compassion

• Includes a sense of common humanity, mindfulness, and kindness
• Recognizes that everyone experiences suffering, failure, and hardship
• Helps to create a more balanced state of mind

Self-​​Criticism

• Often stems from a desire to be safe and do well
• Can lead to maladaptive behaviors like addiction
• Self-​​compassion can be used to counteract self-criticism

Interventions for Self-Compassion

• Mindful Self-​​Compassion training program
• Compassion Focused Therapy
• Randomized controlled trials with a waitlist control
• Adding explicit self-​​compassion to preexisting interventions

Benefits of Self-Compassion

• Can help with addiction recovery
• Provides a more effective and sustainable voice of motivation
• Encourages integration and learning from inner critic
• Portable and scalable practice
  Self Compassion and Mindfulness
• Self compassion is accessible and scalable 
  • Doesn’t require meditation to learn
  • Can be practiced in various ways
• Mindfulness is a necessary component of self compassion 
  • Meditation is a tried and true way to increase mindfulness
  • Mindfulness can be learned without meditation, but it’s trickier
• Meditation helps change neural pathways and quiet the default mode network 
  • Allows for clearer thinking and attention
• Mindful Self Compassion program 
  • Co-​​developed by Kristen Neff and Chris Germer
  • Empirically supported with randomized controlled trials
  • Workbook available for a structured approach to learning self compassion
  • Personal stories available in Kristen Neff’s book “Self Compassion” and Chris Germer’s book “The Mindful Path to Self Compassion”