Kristin Neff, Ph.D.: The Power of Self-Compassion
Kristin Neff, a Professor of Educational Psychology, is renowned for her expertise in mindful self-compassion. In this episode, she shares her personal journey and how cultivating self-compassion and mindfulness has transformed her life. Kristin provides valuable strategies and tools to foster self-compassion and enhance overall well-being, offering insights accessible to all.
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Full Notes
Kristen Neff’s Journey to Self-Compassion
- Studied cultural anthropology, moral development, and gender hierarchy in college
- Went to India for her dissertation research
- Personal life fell apart while in India, leading to a lot of shame and trauma
- Started learning mindfulness meditation to cope with stress and trauma
- Joined a meditation group that followed the teachings of Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh
- First night at the meditation group, the concept of self-compassion was introduced
- Realized she had never thought about being actively kind and supportive to herself
- Wasn’t a particularly harsh self-critic, but the idea of self-compassion resonated with her
Kristen Neff’s Experience with Self-Compassion - Struggled with shame and guilt after a difficult period in her life
- Started practicing self-compassion by speaking kindly and supportively to herself
- Found it to be like discovering a superpower
- Mindfulness meditation took longer to figure out, but self-compassion had an immediate impact
- Believes in the concept of different parts of ourselves (internal family systems)
- Each part has a different function, ultimately aimed at safety and survival
- Compassionate part of ourselves is often exercised when relating to others
- Activating this part and aiming it inward can have immediate benefits
- Self-compassion can help uncover deeper layers of self-judgment over time
Practicing Self-Compassion
- Peter’s friend suggested imagining a close friend in the same situation and consoling them
- Peter practiced this by recording himself speaking kindly to himself after difficult experiences
- Found it to be very effective in deescalating negative emotions
- Self-compassion can be powerful because the compassionate part of ourselves is already developed
- Just need to access that part and apply it to ourselves
Neff’s Shift in Focus to Self-Concept
- Became interested in Buddhism and the idea of self-concept
- Understanding how the sense of separate self and ego leads to suffering
- Decided to pivot her research to self-concept development
- Worked with Susan Harder, studying autonomy and connectedness in relationships and self-focus
- Explored how the development of self-concept impacts various aspects of life
Self Esteem vs. Self Compassion
- Self esteem is not necessarily a good thing
- Can be unstable and contingent on success or failure
- Can lead to unhealthy ways of achieving high self esteem (e.g. bullying, feeling superior to others)
- Self compassion is more helpful than self esteem
- Provides a stable sense of self worth, not contingent on outcomes
- Linked to higher self esteem and less self hate
- Self esteem and self compassion are not mutually exclusive
- People with self compassion generally have self esteem
- Not everyone with self esteem has self compassion
Constructive Criticism vs. Harsh Criticism
- Constructive criticism is more effective than harsh criticism
- Harsh criticism can lead to performance anxiety and disconnection from others
- Self compassion works better as a motivator than self criticism or self esteem
- Research shows that self compassion leads to better learning from failure
- Allows for objective assessment of mistakes and improvement
Study on Self Compassion as a Motivator
- UC Berkeley study had students fail a difficult vocabulary test
- Split into three groups: self compassion, self esteem, and no instruction (likely self critical)
- Students given time to study and retake the test
- Results showed that self compassionate group studied longer and harder
- Longer study time correlated with better performance on the next exam
Self-Compassion in Children and Adolescents
- Longer study time correlated with better performance on the next exam
- Self-compassion leads to a growth mindset, where individuals learn from their mistakes
- No clear data on when self-compassion patterns are set in children
- New scale for youth to measure self-compassion just released
- Suspected to be around age 7 or 8 when children understand concepts of friendship, fairness, and reciprocity
- Adolescents can understand self-compassion better due to metacognition and abstract thinking skills
- Can discuss the importance of self-worth not being contingent on external factors
Social Media and Comparison
- Social media has increased the potential for comparison and ranking among individuals
- Self-compassion is more important today than ever before
- Some benefits of social media include access to diverse points of view and connections with others who share similar experiences
- Can be positive for certain communities, such as LGBTQ+
- Negative aspects of social media include increased stress and suicide rates
Parenting a Child with Autism
- Diagnosis of autism can be devastating for parents
- Feelings of disappointment, grief, and fear are common
- Self-compassion and mindfulness practices can help parents cope with these emotions
- Allowing all emotions to be felt and actively giving oneself support
- Treating oneself as one would treat a good friend in a similar situation
- The more self-compassion a parent has, the better parent they can be to their child with autism
- Accepting one’s own difficult feelings about the situation allows for better acceptance of the child’s autism
Rowan’s Experience with Horses
- Accepting one’s own difficult feelings about the situation allows for better acceptance of the child’s autism
- Rowan, a child with autism, had difficulty speaking and communicating
- First time on a horse, he spoke a complete sentence
- Horses may help with brain integration in autistic children
- Riding horses might improve cross-brain communication and language skills
Self-Compassion and Trauma
- Early childhood trauma can hinder self-compassion in adulthood
- Insecure attachment can lead to feelings of unworthiness
- Self-compassion can help heal from early trauma by re-parenting oneself
- Earned secure attachment can be developed through self-compassion
Self-Compassion and PTSD
- Self-compassion can help process trauma and prevent PTSD
- MDMA and other psychedelics may increase self-compassion and connectedness
- Three components of self-compassion: self-kindness, mindfulness, and common humanity
Self-Compassion and Physical Health
- Emerging literature shows a link between self-compassion and better physical health
- Self-compassion reduces sympathetic activity (inflammation, cortisol) and increases parasympathetic activity (heart rate variability)
- Improved immune function and telomere length may also be linked to self-compassion
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Pity
- Self-compassion requires self-kindness, mindfulness, and common humanity
- Self-pity is a self-focused state without the other components of self-compassion
- The difference between pity and compassion lies in the presence of mindfulness and common humanity
Difference Between Pity and Compassion - Pity feels condescending, creates a sense of separation
- Compassion is shared, recognizing common humanity and imperfections
Self-Compassion
- Includes a sense of common humanity, mindfulness, and kindness
- Recognizes that everyone experiences suffering, failure, and hardship
- Helps to create a more balanced state of mind
Self-Criticism
- Often stems from a desire to be safe and do well
- Can lead to maladaptive behaviors like addiction
- Self-compassion can be used to counteract self-criticism
Interventions for Self-Compassion
- Mindful Self-Compassion training program
- Compassion Focused Therapy
- Randomized controlled trials with a waitlist control
- Adding explicit self-compassion to preexisting interventions
Benefits of Self-Compassion
- Can help with addiction recovery
- Provides a more effective and sustainable voice of motivation
- Encourages integration and learning from inner critic
- Portable and scalable practice
Self Compassion and Mindfulness - Self compassion is accessible and scalable
- Doesn’t require meditation to learn
- Can be practiced in various ways
- Mindfulness is a necessary component of self compassion
- Meditation is a tried and true way to increase mindfulness
- Mindfulness can be learned without meditation, but it’s trickier
- Meditation helps change neural pathways and quiet the default mode network
- Allows for clearer thinking and attention
- Mindful Self Compassion program
- Co-developed by Kristen Neff and Chris Germer
- Empirically supported with randomized controlled trials
- Workbook available for a structured approach to learning self compassion
- Personal stories available in Kristen Neff’s book “Self Compassion” and Chris Germer’s book “The Mindful Path to Self Compassion”
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