Full Notes
Dr. Becky Kennedy on Parenting and Relationships
- Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist specializing in parent-child relationships
- Received her degrees and training at Duke University and Columbia University
- Author of the best-selling book “Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be”
- Founder and creator of an online learning platform “Good Inside”
- Her work pertains to all types of relationships, not just parent-child
- Includes romantic relationships, friendships, workplace relationships, and our relationship to self
- Defines the exact job of good parenting and how it relates to other relationships
- Explains how to set healthy boundaries and what they are
- Discusses the importance of empathy and making children and ourselves feel safe in all kinds of relating
- Provides guidance on how to navigate disagreements, arguments, apologies, punishments, rewards, etc.
- Dr. Kennedy’s work is unique because she provides clear, actionable advice for real-world contexts
- Helps individuals understand what to do and say, and what not to do and say in various situations
- Especially useful when situations become difficult or tense
- By the end of the episode, listeners will have learned a dozen or more clinically backed tools to navigate parent-child relating
- Also applicable to relationships with own parents (alive or dead) and relationship to self
Dr. Becky Kennedy’s Definition of Good Parenting
- Defines good parenting as being “sturdy”
- Ability to be connected to oneself and to someone else at the same time
- Knowing one’s values, wants, and needs while also connecting to someone else who may have different wants, needs, and values
- Compares parenting to being a pilot of a plane
- Both require sturdiness and leadership
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Emphasizes the importance of knowing one’s “job” as a parent
- Just as one cannot do well in a job without knowing the job description, one cannot be a good parent without understanding the role and responsibilities of a parent
Parenting: Understanding Boundaries and Empathy
- Just as one cannot do well in a job without knowing the job description, one cannot be a good parent without understanding the role and responsibilities of a parent
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Parents often struggle with understanding their role when their child misbehaves
- Parents have two main roles: setting boundaries and providing empathy and validation
- Boundaries are things parents will do, requiring no action from the child
- Boundaries represent parents’ values, wants, and needs and keep children safe
- Empathy and validation involve recognizing and acknowledging the child’s feelings and experiences as real
- The concept of sturdiness in parenting involves setting firm boundaries while also providing empathy
- Sturdiness sends a clear message of something that doesn’t easily budge
- It’s not a walled-off picture but one that is semi-permeable, allowing for empathy and connection
Understanding Boundaries in Action
- Boundaries are what parents tell someone they will do, and they require the other person to do nothing
- For example, if a child doesn’t turn off the TV after being asked, a boundary would be the parent taking the remote and turning off the TV
- Boundaries are not requests; they are actions parents take to uphold their values and needs
- They are not dependent on the child’s actions or responses
- Boundaries can be misunderstood as requests, leading to confusion and frustration when children don’t “respect” the boundaries
- True boundaries are upheld by the parent, not the child
The Role of Empathy in Parenting
- Empathy involves recognizing and acknowledging the child’s feelings and experiences as real
- It doesn’t necessarily involve agreeing with or condoning the child’s behavior
- Empathy and boundaries are not mutually exclusive; they are partners in parenting
- When a child is upset about a boundary, parents can validate their feelings while still upholding the boundary
- The process of setting boundaries and validating feelings helps children learn emotion regulation
The Balance of Rules and Relationships in Parenting
- Parenting approaches often focus on either rules or relationships, but both are necessary for effective parenting
- Rules without relationships can lead to rebellion
- Relationships without rules can lead to a lack of structure and safety
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Children crave both boundaries (rules) and feeling seen and understood (relationships)
- As children grow up, they are constantly asking (though not verbally), “Am I real and am I safe?”
Children’s Emotions and Behavior
- As children grow up, they are constantly asking (though not verbally), “Am I real and am I safe?”
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Children’s feelings are real, even if they seem trivial to adults
- Validating children’s feelings helps them understand that their internal experiences are real
- Children crave connection through boundaries and empathy
- Boundaries provide a sense of safety and control
- Empathy and validation provide emotional connection
Rewards and Punishments in Parenting
- Oversized rewards can distort a child’s understanding of reward mechanisms
- Rewards and punishments are often used to manage behavior
- However, this approach may not effectively teach children skills or foster resilience
- Rewards and punishments are based on assumptions about child behavior
- These assumptions may not reflect the reality of children’s experiences or needs
Alternative Approaches to Behavior Management
- Children are inherently good and want to contribute meaningfully to their communities
- Bad behavior often reflects a lack of skills to manage feelings or urges
- Instead of punishing behavior, parents can help children develop the skills they need
- Rewards and punishments may not be necessary for teaching children to participate in daily tasks
- Instead, parents can help children understand the importance of their contributions and find ways to remember their responsibilities
- This approach fosters problem-solving skills and a sense of purpose
The Importance of Purpose and Realness
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Children want to feel real and have a purpose
- Feeling real involves being able to make a difference in the world
- This sense of realness and purpose can be fostered by helping children understand their impact on their communities and the world around them.
Understanding Child Behavior and Parenting
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Children are inherently good
- Some systems of behavioral control may imply a lack of trust in children
- Trust and control are opposites — controlling what we don’t trust
- Parenting involves coaching kids, setting boundaries, and validating their experiences
- Kids form their identity from our reflection of them
- High rates of mental health problems may be linked to a lack of trust and validation in children
Impingement in Parenting
- Impingement: imposing on a child’s natural desires or aversions
- Balancing impingement and allowing children to make decisions is a challenge
- Parents should set boundaries and make key family decisions
- Children’s feelings should not dictate boundaries, and vice versa
- Example: If a child doesn’t want to go to a social event
- Validate their feelings: “I believe you.”
- Explain the importance of doing things we don’t want to do for the sake of family or personal growth
- Offer support and understanding, but maintain the boundary
Building Confidence and Self-Trust in Children
- Confidence comes from the experience of being believed
- Confidence is self-trust, knowing how one feels
- Parents should validate their children’s feelings and experiences
- This doesn’t mean letting feelings dictate decisions
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Parents should hold hope for their children’s ability to cope and grow
- This helps children see a more mature version of themselves
Effective Communication in Relationships
- This helps children see a more mature version of themselves
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The phrase “I believe you” can instill real confidence over time
- Different from “I hear you” — “I believe you” validates the person’s feelings and experiences
- It makes the person feel real and safe
- It can diffuse tension and lead to more productive conversations
- This approach is applicable in various relationships, not just parent-child
- Can be used in friendships, romantic relationships, and coworker relationships
- Three key phrases for effective communication when someone is upset:
- “I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this.”
- “I believe you.”
- “Tell me more.”
Understanding Trauma
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Trauma: an event or set of circumstances that fundamentally change the way that the brain and nervous system work, leading to a maladaptive response going forward
- Not every bad thing that happens is a trauma
- There are microtraumas (small t) and macro traumas (big t), which could be multi-event or single event
Understanding Trauma and Responsibility
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Trauma is about confusion over who’s responsible
- Especially when we’re young, the brain interprets traumatic events as our responsibility
- Trauma is not about events, but how an event gets processed
- Gabor Mate’s definition of trauma: “It’s not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside of you.”
- Events with high emotionality that get processed in aloneness become traumatic
- This is linked to the confusion about responsibility
The Impact of Parental Actions on Children
- Children are dependent on their parents for safety
- When the source of safety becomes the source of danger, it’s confusing for a child
- Children cannot understand that their parents might just have had a bad day
- They take on the “badness” to maintain control
- Children either self-blame or self-doubt to regulate and feel safe again
- This leads to adults who doubt themselves or blame themselves for everything
The Importance of Repair in Parent-Child Relationships
- Repair process starts with the parent repairing with themselves
- Separate your identity from your behavior
- A good repair with a child involves acknowledging the wrong behavior and promising to do better next time
- It’s not about getting forgiveness from the child, but giving them an experience of repair
- A good apology is simple and acknowledges the child’s feelings
- “I’m sorry I yelled” is a good start
- Adding “It’s not your fault” can also be helpful, as children often default to blaming themselves
Real-Time Tools for Stress Modulation
- Real-time tools are needed for dealing with stress in the moment
- These are different from tools used after relaxation or rest
- A good internal landscape for apology involves acknowledging your own struggles
- Mantras can be helpful, such as “I’m a good parent who is having a hard time”
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A good apology acknowledges the wrong behavior and promises to do better next time
- It doesn’t need to be complicated or perfect, just sincere and acknowledging the child’s feelings.
Dealing with Retorts and Rudeness in Parenting
- Role identity is key to the brain
- Good boundaries are about our own boundaries, not expecting a change in behavior from others
- Often, when a child says “I hate you,” it’s a reflection of deep disappointment or hurt
- Children have all the feelings adults have, but none of the skills to manage them
- The goal is to help children express disappointment maturely, e.g., “I was really looking forward to that”
- Sending a child to their room or telling them they’re nasty only reinforces a negative self-image
- In the moment, doing nothing can be a powerful strategy, allowing the child to reown their words
- Outside the moment, parents can help children build emotional regulation skills through practice and simulations
Fear in Parenting
- Some parents may fear their children’s potential responses or the threat of emotional outbursts
- This fear can lead to children controlling their parents, but it doesn’t make them feel safe
- Parents may worry about how their child might turn out if they were to lay down the law
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The goal is to help children feel safe and develop emotional regulation skills, not to control them through fear.
Understanding Deeply Feeling Kids -
Deeply feeling kids experience feelings in an intense way
- They don’t have the skills to manage these intense feelings
- They can have big, massive tantrums that look animalistic
- These kids can hold the family emotionally hostage
- If they don’t get their way, they can scream and cry for hours
- Deeply feeling kids get into a cycle with their parents
- They have intense emotions more often, leading to more escalations
- These escalations are often met with invalidation from parents
- Parents need to be sturdy leaders
- They need to be equally firm and warm
- They need to set boundaries and contain the child’s feelings
- Deeply feeling kids are super sensors
- They notice small details and can be sensitive to certain environments
- These kids have a deep fear of abandonment and being too much
- Their vulnerability sits close to their shame
- They experience their feelings as attackers
- Deeply feeling kids can also express love and joy with the same intensity
- However, this depends on their stage of development and the nature of the interactions they’ve received back
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These kids need to be seen as good kids
- They are tenacious and know what they want
- They can change the world if they have boundaries, otherwise they can become tyrants.
Understanding Deeply Feeling Kids
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Deeply feeling kids are highly sensitive and emotional
- They often reject typical parenting strategies and validation of their feelings
- They fear being taken over and intruded upon, leading to resistance
- Over time, deeply feeling kids can become more affectionate and loving
- They need to feel safe to access their deep love
Gender Differences in Deeply Feeling Kids
- No significant gender differences have been observed in deeply feeling kids
- More research is needed to confirm this
Common Traits of Deeply Feeling Kids
- Deeply feeling kids often push away their parents when they need them the most
- This is a common trait among these kids
- The deeply feeling kid phenotype is not a DSM diagnosis
- It is a continuum and overlaps with neurodivergence and ADHD
Prevalence of Deeply Feeling Kids
- The prevalence of deeply feeling kids is estimated to be around 20%
- This is a high percentage but feels accurate based on observations
- The number of deeply feeling kids seems to be increasing
- This could be due to the highly stimulating world we live in
Deeply Feeling Kids and Performance
- Many successful performing artists are deeply feeling individuals
- Their ability to evoke immense emotion in others is a characteristic of deeply feeling individuals
Parenting Strategies for Deeply Feeling Kids
- Parents should avoid punishing or giving timeouts to deeply feeling kids
- These strategies are not effective and do not feel good to kids or parents
- Parents should help their kids understand their experiences and emotions
- This is more important than focusing on what the other parent is doing wrong
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Parents should provide a safe space for their kids to process their experiences
- This helps the kids feel less alone and more understood.
Child-Parent Communication
- This helps the kids feel less alone and more understood.
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Children often just want to be heard, not necessarily for the parent to solve their problems
- Parents and children often struggle to understand each other
- Parents and children need to be on the “same page”
- If a partner refuses to engage in understanding the child’s perspective, it’s a relationship problem, not a parenting problem
ADHD and Energy in Children
- Children, especially boys, often have a lot of energy that needs to be channeled, not suppressed
- It’s more effective to tell children what they can do rather than what they can’t do
- Parents and children should work together, not against each other
- For example, if a child has a lot of energy, let them run around before doing homework
Meditation and Self-Regulation in Children
- Teaching children tools like meditation and long exhale breathing can help with self-regulation
- However, the benefits of these tools may be offset by the increased input from social media and other sources
The Impact of Instant Gratification
- The immediate escape from frustration to gratification is prevalent in children’s lives today
- This instant gratification can lead to a decreased tolerance for frustration in both children and parents
- Inserting frustration into a child’s life early on can help them learn to tolerate it
Screen Time and Learning
- Screen time can teach children that they can get rewards (dopamine) without effort
- This can lead to difficulties when children have to put in effort to learn something new, like reading
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Parents should focus on helping their children develop a healthy relationship with frustration to prepare them for learning and other challenges.
Learning Space and Frustration -
Learning is the space between not knowing how to do something and successfully doing it
- This space is inherently frustrating, which is the right feeling to be feeling
- Goal should be to lengthen the amount of time one can be in the learning space
- Teaching children to be comfortable in the learning space is important
- It’s the same circuit for learning how to read, do a project, etc.
- Encourage children to do hard things and reassure them that frustration is a normal part of learning
The Role of Neuromodulators in Learning
- The brain changes when neuromodulators like epinephrine/adrenaline are present in the body and brain
- These signal that the nervous system needs to change for something to be accomplished
- The anterior mid cingulate cortex is activated when people do things they don’t want to do
- This translates to success in academic endeavors and other environments
- This brain structure is highly plastic and can be built up through one thing, and that translates to other things
Parenting and Boundaries
- Parenting involves setting boundaries and providing empathy and validation
- This can also apply to the relationship with oneself
- It’s important to validate feelings and set boundaries for them
- Feelings are a part of us, but not all of us
Reinforcing Wins
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Children do internalize patterns, but it can be helpful to encapsulate moments of success for them
- However, it’s important to ensure that this is done for the child’s benefit, not the parent’s
Parenting and Communication
- However, it’s important to ensure that this is done for the child’s benefit, not the parent’s
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Using phrases like “I’m noticing” can help children feel seen and not controlled
- Encourage children to talk about their experiences and what led to their successes
- Avoid asking questions that are actually statements or criticisms
- Use phrases like “I wonder” to lower defensiveness and encourage open conversation
Understanding Emotions
- Cultures with more nuanced language for emotions have better emotion tolerance
- Teaching children to understand and identify a range of emotions can be beneficial
- Resilience is the ability to tolerate a wide range of emotions
- Encourage children to explore their emotions and understand that all emotions can be held in connection with someone else
Adolescence and Identity Formation
- Adolescence is a time of rapid change and identity formation
- Parents often feel a sense of loss as their children become more independent
- Adolescents need to separate from their parents to form their own identities
- Despite their independence, adolescents still need their parents and a sense of home
- Parents should continue to make efforts to connect with their adolescents, even when they are rejected
The Importance of Connection
- The circuits for attachment formed in childhood persist into adulthood
- These circuits are repurposed for different relationships, but the need for connection remains
- Parents should continue to make efforts to connect with their children, even as they grow and change
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Connection is crucial for emotional understanding and resilience.
Childhood Attachment and Adult Attachment -
Children often check for the presence of their caretakers when exploring new environments
- This is a fundamental circuit of looking back to ensure safety
- The distance they feel they can go is directly related to the number of times they’ve been able to verify the presence of their parent
- The concept of explorers versus nomads
- Explorers have a home base and feel safe to venture out
- Nomads feel adrift and untethered
The Importance of Expressing Love
- Expressing love to children is crucial, regardless of their behavior
- This doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior, but acknowledging the child’s inherent goodness
- Children who behave the worst are often in the deepest pain
Understanding Teenagers
- Teenagers are exploring a new world and are often in a lot of pain
- Parents should strive to understand their world better, even if it’s unfamiliar
- Parents should approach their teen as if they’re on the same team, not as adversaries
Family Meetings
- Can be a useful tool for addressing ongoing conflicts and working through problems
- Should be approached as a team effort, with ideas from both parents and children considered
Parenting and Self-Care
- Parents should not allow their role as caregivers to take over their entire identity
- They need to tend to their own needs as well
- Parents who neglect their non-caregiving needs are more vulnerable to moments of rage
- Children need sturdy leaders, and sturdiness involves not allowing oneself to be taken over by any one thing, including the parent-child relationship
Single Parent vs. Two Parents
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Having one sturdy leader in a child’s life is massively protective
- However, it’s unclear whether having two sturdy leaders is better than one.
Parenting and Child Behavior
- However, it’s unclear whether having two sturdy leaders is better than one.
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Children do not need perfectly attuned caregivers
- Perfection is not the goal, sturdiness is
- Sturdiness includes the ability to rupture, mess up, and repair
- Children are expert noticers and act like sponges
- They notice and absorb the behavior of their parents
- Affectionate, responsible, and healthy communication in parents can be beneficial for children
- Conversely, yelling and conflict can be harmful if not addressed and discussed with the child
- It’s important to talk to children about conflicts and difficult situations
- Leaving them alone with their observations and feelings can be harmful
- Teens can manifest their struggles in various ways
- This can include behavioral outbursts, withdrawal, depression, violence, isolation, and eating disorders
- Parents should seek additional support if they notice a significant impact on their child’s overall functioning
- This can include a decline in school performance, limited social interactions, increased conflict at home, and a fear to intervene in line with their values
- Seeking additional help is a sign of what’s right with a family, not what’s wrong
- Parents should not let their child’s feelings about therapy dictate their boundary
- They should express their love and concern for their child’s safety, even if it makes the child unhappy
- Parents should be the pilot until their child is 18 and can take control of their own life
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Letting a child make their own decision when they’re clearly in trouble can make them feel unsafe.
Understanding Teenagers’ Emotions and Reactions -
Teenagers’ words often represent their fears, not their actual feelings towards you
- They are talking to their emotions, not to you
- Parents should not take these words literally, but understand that their child is in pain
The Role of Non-Parent Mentors
- Non-parent mentors can provide healthy examples and guidance that parents may not be able to
- These mentors can be real-life figures, authors, or even online personalities
- Children can internalize healthy aspects from these mentors
- It’s not necessary or healthy for parents to be everything to their children
- This can set children up for relationship disappointment in the future
- Encouraging children to seek guidance from other sources is beneficial for their development
Understanding Entitlement
- Entitlement is the fear of frustration
- This fear can be instilled in children when parents constantly remove obstacles and frustrations from their path
- Entitlement can appear as demanding behavior, but it is often a sign of vulnerability and fear
- It’s important for children to experience and learn to cope with frustration, rather than having it constantly removed by their parents.
The Impact of Overindulgence
- Overindulgence can lead to a constant desire for more, which is never satisfied
- This is due to the recalibration of dopamine circuits to a higher threshold
- Overindulgence can also create a narrow view of the world, where everything outside of infinite resources and ease is seen as dangerous
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It’s important to set boundaries and limits on experiences to avoid these negative outcomes.
Fear and Threat State -
Fear can put individuals in a threat state
- This state can cause individuals to appear mean or nasty
- It results in a narrowing of the eyes
- Fear is not always tied to money
- However, money can be used to alleviate a child’s frustration
- It also helps parents avoid dealing with their child’s frustration
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