Dr. Becky Kennedy: Protocols for Excellent Parenting & Improving Relationships of All Kinds

Dr. Becky Kennedy on Parenting and Relationships

• Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist specializing in parent-​​child relationships 
  • Received her degrees and training at Duke University and Columbia University
  • Author of the best-​​selling book “Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be”
  • Founder and creator of an online learning platform “Good Inside”
• Her work pertains to all types of relationships, not just parent-child 
  • Includes romantic relationships, friendships, workplace relationships, and our relationship to self
• Defines the exact job of good parenting and how it relates to other relationships 
  • Explains how to set healthy boundaries and what they are
  • Discusses the importance of empathy and making children and ourselves feel safe in all kinds of relating
  • Provides guidance on how to navigate disagreements, arguments, apologies, punishments, rewards, etc.
• Dr. Kennedy’s work is unique because she provides clear, actionable advice for real-​​world contexts 
  • Helps individuals understand what to do and say, and what not to do and say in various situations
  • Especially useful when situations become difficult or tense
• By the end of the episode, listeners will have learned a dozen or more clinically backed tools to navigate parent-​​child relating 
  • Also applicable to relationships with own parents (alive or dead) and relationship to self

Dr. Becky Kennedy’s Definition of Good Parenting

• Defines good parenting as being “sturdy”
  • Ability to be connected to oneself and to someone else at the same time
  • Knowing one’s values, wants, and needs while also connecting to someone else who may have different wants, needs, and values
• Compares parenting to being a pilot of a plane 
  • Both require sturdiness and leadership

• Emphasizes the importance of knowing one’s “job” as a parent

  • Just as one cannot do well in a job without knowing the job description, one cannot be a good parent without understanding the role and responsibilities of a parent
    
    Parenting: Understanding Boundaries and Empathy

• Parents often struggle with understanding their role when their child misbehaves

• Parents have two main roles: setting boundaries and providing empathy and validation 
  • Boundaries are things parents will do, requiring no action from the child
  • Boundaries represent parents’ values, wants, and needs and keep children safe
  • Empathy and validation involve recognizing and acknowledging the child’s feelings and experiences as real
• The concept of sturdiness in parenting involves setting firm boundaries while also providing empathy 
  • Sturdiness sends a clear message of something that doesn’t easily budge
  • It’s not a walled-​​off picture but one that is semi-​​permeable, allowing for empathy and connection

Understanding Boundaries in Action

• Boundaries are what parents tell someone they will do, and they require the other person to do nothing 
  • For example, if a child doesn’t turn off the TV after being asked, a boundary would be the parent taking the remote and turning off the TV
• Boundaries are not requests; they are actions parents take to uphold their values and needs 
  • They are not dependent on the child’s actions or responses
• Boundaries can be misunderstood as requests, leading to confusion and frustration when children don’t “respect” the boundaries 
  • True boundaries are upheld by the parent, not the child

The Role of Empathy in Parenting

• Empathy involves recognizing and acknowledging the child’s feelings and experiences as real 
  • It doesn’t necessarily involve agreeing with or condoning the child’s behavior
• Empathy and boundaries are not mutually exclusive; they are partners in parenting 
  • When a child is upset about a boundary, parents can validate their feelings while still upholding the boundary
• The process of setting boundaries and validating feelings helps children learn emotion regulation

The Balance of Rules and Relationships in Parenting

• Parenting approaches often focus on either rules or relationships, but both are necessary for effective parenting 
  • Rules without relationships can lead to rebellion
  • Relationships without rules can lead to a lack of structure and safety

• Children crave both boundaries (rules) and feeling seen and understood (relationships)

  • As children grow up, they are constantly asking (though not verbally), “Am I real and am I safe?”
    Children’s Emotions and Behavior

• Children’s feelings are real, even if they seem trivial to adults

  • Validating children’s feelings helps them understand that their internal experiences are real
• Children crave connection through boundaries and empathy 
  • Boundaries provide a sense of safety and control
  • Empathy and validation provide emotional connection

Rewards and Punishments in Parenting

• Oversized rewards can distort a child’s understanding of reward mechanisms 
  • Rewards and punishments are often used to manage behavior
  • However, this approach may not effectively teach children skills or foster resilience
• Rewards and punishments are based on assumptions about child behavior 
  • These assumptions may not reflect the reality of children’s experiences or needs

Alternative Approaches to Behavior Management

• Children are inherently good and want to contribute meaningfully to their communities 
  • Bad behavior often reflects a lack of skills to manage feelings or urges
  • Instead of punishing behavior, parents can help children develop the skills they need
• Rewards and punishments may not be necessary for teaching children to participate in daily tasks 
  • Instead, parents can help children understand the importance of their contributions and find ways to remember their responsibilities
  • This approach fosters problem-​​solving skills and a sense of purpose

The Importance of Purpose and Realness

• Children want to feel real and have a purpose

  • Feeling real involves being able to make a difference in the world
  • This sense of realness and purpose can be fostered by helping children understand their impact on their communities and the world around them.
    Understanding Child Behavior and Parenting

• Children are inherently good

  • Some systems of behavioral control may imply a lack of trust in children
  • Trust and control are opposites — controlling what we don’t trust
• Parenting involves coaching kids, setting boundaries, and validating their experiences 
  • Kids form their identity from our reflection of them
  • High rates of mental health problems may be linked to a lack of trust and validation in children

Impingement in Parenting

• Impingement: imposing on a child’s natural desires or aversions
• Balancing impingement and allowing children to make decisions is a challenge 
  • Parents should set boundaries and make key family decisions
  • Children’s feelings should not dictate boundaries, and vice versa
• Example: If a child doesn’t want to go to a social event 
  • Validate their feelings: “I believe you.”
  • Explain the importance of doing things we don’t want to do for the sake of family or personal growth
  • Offer support and understanding, but maintain the boundary

Building Confidence and Self-​​Trust in Children

• Confidence comes from the experience of being believed 
  • Confidence is self-​​trust, knowing how one feels
• Parents should validate their children’s feelings and experiences 
  • This doesn’t mean letting feelings dictate decisions

• Parents should hold hope for their children’s ability to cope and grow

  • This helps children see a more mature version of themselves
    Effective Communication in Relationships

• The phrase “I believe you” can instill real confidence over time

  • Different from “I hear you” — “I believe you” validates the person’s feelings and experiences
  • It makes the person feel real and safe
  • It can diffuse tension and lead to more productive conversations
• This approach is applicable in various relationships, not just parent-child 
  • Can be used in friendships, romantic relationships, and coworker relationships
• Three key phrases for effective communication when someone is upset: 
  • “I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this.”
  • “I believe you.”
  • “Tell me more.”

Understanding Trauma

• Trauma: an event or set of circumstances that fundamentally change the way that the brain and nervous system work, leading to a maladaptive response going forward

  • Not every bad thing that happens is a trauma
  • There are microtraumas (small t) and macro traumas (big t), which could be multi-​​event or single event
    Understanding Trauma and Responsibility

• Trauma is about confusion over who’s responsible

  • Especially when we’re young, the brain interprets traumatic events as our responsibility
• Trauma is not about events, but how an event gets processed 
  • Gabor Mate’s definition of trauma: “It’s not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside of you.”
• Events with high emotionality that get processed in aloneness become traumatic 
  • This is linked to the confusion about responsibility

The Impact of Parental Actions on Children

• Children are dependent on their parents for safety 
  • When the source of safety becomes the source of danger, it’s confusing for a child
• Children cannot understand that their parents might just have had a bad day 
  • They take on the “badness” to maintain control
• Children either self-​​blame or self-​​doubt to regulate and feel safe again 
  • This leads to adults who doubt themselves or blame themselves for everything

The Importance of Repair in Parent-​​Child Relationships

• Repair process starts with the parent repairing with themselves 
  • Separate your identity from your behavior
• A good repair with a child involves acknowledging the wrong behavior and promising to do better next time 
  • It’s not about getting forgiveness from the child, but giving them an experience of repair
• A good apology is simple and acknowledges the child’s feelings 
  • “I’m sorry I yelled” is a good start
  • Adding “It’s not your fault” can also be helpful, as children often default to blaming themselves

Real-​​Time Tools for Stress Modulation

• Real-​​time tools are needed for dealing with stress in the moment 
  • These are different from tools used after relaxation or rest
• A good internal landscape for apology involves acknowledging your own struggles 
  • Mantras can be helpful, such as “I’m a good parent who is having a hard time”

• A good apology acknowledges the wrong behavior and promises to do better next time

  • It doesn’t need to be complicated or perfect, just sincere and acknowledging the child’s feelings. 

  Dealing with Retorts and Rudeness in Parenting

  • Role identity is key to the brain
  • Good boundaries are about our own boundaries, not expecting a change in behavior from others
  • Often, when a child says “I hate you,” it’s a reflection of deep disappointment or hurt
  • Children have all the feelings adults have, but none of the skills to manage them
  • The goal is to help children express disappointment maturely, e.g., “I was really looking forward to that”
  • Sending a child to their room or telling them they’re nasty only reinforces a negative self-image
  • In the moment, doing nothing can be a powerful strategy, allowing the child to reown their words
  • Outside the moment, parents can help children build emotional regulation skills through practice and simulations

  Fear in Parenting

  • Some parents may fear their children’s potential responses or the threat of emotional outbursts
  • This fear can lead to children controlling their parents, but it doesn’t make them feel safe
  • Parents may worry about how their child might turn out if they were to lay down the law

  • The goal is to help children feel safe and develop emotional regulation skills, not to control them through fear.
    Understanding Deeply Feeling Kids

  • Deeply feeling kids experience feelings in an intense way

    • They don’t have the skills to manage these intense feelings
    • They can have big, massive tantrums that look animalistic
  • These kids can hold the family emotionally hostage 
    • If they don’t get their way, they can scream and cry for hours
  • Deeply feeling kids get into a cycle with their parents 
    • They have intense emotions more often, leading to more escalations
    • These escalations are often met with invalidation from parents
  • Parents need to be sturdy leaders 
    • They need to be equally firm and warm
    • They need to set boundaries and contain the child’s feelings
  • Deeply feeling kids are super sensors 
    • They notice small details and can be sensitive to certain environments
  • These kids have a deep fear of abandonment and being too much 
    • Their vulnerability sits close to their shame
    • They experience their feelings as attackers
  • Deeply feeling kids can also express love and joy with the same intensity 
    • However, this depends on their stage of development and the nature of the interactions they’ve received back

  • These kids need to be seen as good kids

    • They are tenacious and know what they want
    • They can change the world if they have boundaries, otherwise they can become tyrants.
      Understanding Deeply Feeling Kids

  • Deeply feeling kids are highly sensitive and emotional

    • They often reject typical parenting strategies and validation of their feelings
    • They fear being taken over and intruded upon, leading to resistance
  • Over time, deeply feeling kids can become more affectionate and loving 
    • They need to feel safe to access their deep love

  Gender Differences in Deeply Feeling Kids

  • No significant gender differences have been observed in deeply feeling kids 
    • More research is needed to confirm this

  Common Traits of Deeply Feeling Kids

  • Deeply feeling kids often push away their parents when they need them the most 
    • This is a common trait among these kids
  • The deeply feeling kid phenotype is not a DSM diagnosis 
    • It is a continuum and overlaps with neurodivergence and ADHD

  Prevalence of Deeply Feeling Kids

  • The prevalence of deeply feeling kids is estimated to be around 20% 
    • This is a high percentage but feels accurate based on observations
  • The number of deeply feeling kids seems to be increasing 
    • This could be due to the highly stimulating world we live in

  Deeply Feeling Kids and Performance

  • Many successful performing artists are deeply feeling individuals 
    • Their ability to evoke immense emotion in others is a characteristic of deeply feeling individuals

  Parenting Strategies for Deeply Feeling Kids

  • Parents should avoid punishing or giving timeouts to deeply feeling kids 
    • These strategies are not effective and do not feel good to kids or parents
  • Parents should help their kids understand their experiences and emotions 
    • This is more important than focusing on what the other parent is doing wrong

  • Parents should provide a safe space for their kids to process their experiences

    • This helps the kids feel less alone and more understood.
      Child-​​Parent Communication

  • Children often just want to be heard, not necessarily for the parent to solve their problems

  • Parents and children often struggle to understand each other 
    • Parents and children need to be on the “same page”
    • If a partner refuses to engage in understanding the child’s perspective, it’s a relationship problem, not a parenting problem

  ADHD and Energy in Children

  • Children, especially boys, often have a lot of energy that needs to be channeled, not suppressed
  • It’s more effective to tell children what they can do rather than what they can’t do
  • Parents and children should work together, not against each other 
    • For example, if a child has a lot of energy, let them run around before doing homework

  Meditation and Self-​​Regulation in Children

  • Teaching children tools like meditation and long exhale breathing can help with self-regulation
  • However, the benefits of these tools may be offset by the increased input from social media and other sources

  The Impact of Instant Gratification

  • The immediate escape from frustration to gratification is prevalent in children’s lives today
  • This instant gratification can lead to a decreased tolerance for frustration in both children and parents
  • Inserting frustration into a child’s life early on can help them learn to tolerate it

  Screen Time and Learning

  • Screen time can teach children that they can get rewards (dopamine) without effort
  • This can lead to difficulties when children have to put in effort to learn something new, like reading

  • Parents should focus on helping their children develop a healthy relationship with frustration to prepare them for learning and other challenges.
    Learning Space and Frustration

  • Learning is the space between not knowing how to do something and successfully doing it

    • This space is inherently frustrating, which is the right feeling to be feeling
    • Goal should be to lengthen the amount of time one can be in the learning space
  • Teaching children to be comfortable in the learning space is important 
    • It’s the same circuit for learning how to read, do a project, etc.
    • Encourage children to do hard things and reassure them that frustration is a normal part of learning

  The Role of Neuromodulators in Learning

  • The brain changes when neuromodulators like epinephrine/​​adrenaline are present in the body and brain 
    • These signal that the nervous system needs to change for something to be accomplished
  • The anterior mid cingulate cortex is activated when people do things they don’t want to do 
    • This translates to success in academic endeavors and other environments
    • This brain structure is highly plastic and can be built up through one thing, and that translates to other things

  Parenting and Boundaries

  • Parenting involves setting boundaries and providing empathy and validation 
    • This can also apply to the relationship with oneself
  • It’s important to validate feelings and set boundaries for them 
    • Feelings are a part of us, but not all of us

  Reinforcing Wins

  • Children do internalize patterns, but it can be helpful to encapsulate moments of success for them

    • However, it’s important to ensure that this is done for the child’s benefit, not the parent’s
      Parenting and Communication

  • Using phrases like “I’m noticing” can help children feel seen and not controlled

  • Encourage children to talk about their experiences and what led to their successes
  • Avoid asking questions that are actually statements or criticisms
  • Use phrases like “I wonder” to lower defensiveness and encourage open conversation

  Understanding Emotions

  • Cultures with more nuanced language for emotions have better emotion tolerance
  • Teaching children to understand and identify a range of emotions can be beneficial
  • Resilience is the ability to tolerate a wide range of emotions
  • Encourage children to explore their emotions and understand that all emotions can be held in connection with someone else

  Adolescence and Identity Formation

  • Adolescence is a time of rapid change and identity formation
  • Parents often feel a sense of loss as their children become more independent
  • Adolescents need to separate from their parents to form their own identities
  • Despite their independence, adolescents still need their parents and a sense of home
  • Parents should continue to make efforts to connect with their adolescents, even when they are rejected

  The Importance of Connection

  • The circuits for attachment formed in childhood persist into adulthood
  • These circuits are repurposed for different relationships, but the need for connection remains
  • Parents should continue to make efforts to connect with their children, even as they grow and change

  • Connection is crucial for emotional understanding and resilience.
    Childhood Attachment and Adult Attachment

  • Children often check for the presence of their caretakers when exploring new environments

    • This is a fundamental circuit of looking back to ensure safety
    • The distance they feel they can go is directly related to the number of times they’ve been able to verify the presence of their parent
  • The concept of explorers versus nomads 
    • Explorers have a home base and feel safe to venture out
    • Nomads feel adrift and untethered

  The Importance of Expressing Love

  • Expressing love to children is crucial, regardless of their behavior 
    • This doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior, but acknowledging the child’s inherent goodness
    • Children who behave the worst are often in the deepest pain

  Understanding Teenagers

  • Teenagers are exploring a new world and are often in a lot of pain 
    • Parents should strive to understand their world better, even if it’s unfamiliar
  • Parents should approach their teen as if they’re on the same team, not as adversaries

  Family Meetings

  • Can be a useful tool for addressing ongoing conflicts and working through problems 
    • Should be approached as a team effort, with ideas from both parents and children considered

  Parenting and Self-Care

  • Parents should not allow their role as caregivers to take over their entire identity 
    • They need to tend to their own needs as well
  • Parents who neglect their non-​​caregiving needs are more vulnerable to moments of rage
  • Children need sturdy leaders, and sturdiness involves not allowing oneself to be taken over by any one thing, including the parent-​​child relationship

  Single Parent vs. Two Parents

  • Having one sturdy leader in a child’s life is massively protective

    • However, it’s unclear whether having two sturdy leaders is better than one.
      Parenting and Child Behavior

  • Children do not need perfectly attuned caregivers

    • Perfection is not the goal, sturdiness is
    • Sturdiness includes the ability to rupture, mess up, and repair
  • Children are expert noticers and act like sponges 
    • They notice and absorb the behavior of their parents
    • Affectionate, responsible, and healthy communication in parents can be beneficial for children
    • Conversely, yelling and conflict can be harmful if not addressed and discussed with the child
  • It’s important to talk to children about conflicts and difficult situations 
    • Leaving them alone with their observations and feelings can be harmful
  • Teens can manifest their struggles in various ways 
    • This can include behavioral outbursts, withdrawal, depression, violence, isolation, and eating disorders
  • Parents should seek additional support if they notice a significant impact on their child’s overall functioning 
    • This can include a decline in school performance, limited social interactions, increased conflict at home, and a fear to intervene in line with their values
  • Seeking additional help is a sign of what’s right with a family, not what’s wrong
  • Parents should not let their child’s feelings about therapy dictate their boundary 
    • They should express their love and concern for their child’s safety, even if it makes the child unhappy
    • Parents should be the pilot until their child is 18 and can take control of their own life

  • Letting a child make their own decision when they’re clearly in trouble can make them feel unsafe.
    Understanding Teenagers’ Emotions and Reactions

  • Teenagers’ words often represent their fears, not their actual feelings towards you

    • They are talking to their emotions, not to you
    • Parents should not take these words literally, but understand that their child is in pain

  The Role of Non-​​Parent Mentors

  • Non-​​parent mentors can provide healthy examples and guidance that parents may not be able to 
    • These mentors can be real-​​life figures, authors, or even online personalities
  • Children can internalize healthy aspects from these mentors
  • It’s not necessary or healthy for parents to be everything to their children 
    • This can set children up for relationship disappointment in the future
  • Encouraging children to seek guidance from other sources is beneficial for their development

  Understanding Entitlement

  • Entitlement is the fear of frustration 
    • This fear can be instilled in children when parents constantly remove obstacles and frustrations from their path
  • Entitlement can appear as demanding behavior, but it is often a sign of vulnerability and fear
  • It’s important for children to experience and learn to cope with frustration, rather than having it constantly removed by their parents. 

  The Impact of Overindulgence

  • Overindulgence can lead to a constant desire for more, which is never satisfied 
    • This is due to the recalibration of dopamine circuits to a higher threshold
  • Overindulgence can also create a narrow view of the world, where everything outside of infinite resources and ease is seen as dangerous

  • It’s important to set boundaries and limits on experiences to avoid these negative outcomes.
    Fear and Threat State

  • Fear can put individuals in a threat state

    • This state can cause individuals to appear mean or nasty
    • It results in a narrowing of the eyes
  • Fear is not always tied to money 
    • However, money can be used to alleviate a child’s frustration
    • It also helps parents avoid dealing with their child’s frustration