Dr. Becky Kennedy: Protocols for Excellent Parenting & Improving Relationships of All Kinds
This episode features Dr. Becky Kennedy, founder of Good Inside, on raising emotionally resilient children, repairing relationships, and enhancing communication skills. Discusses dealing with emotional outbursts, building self-confidence, and connecting with empathy across all relationships. Offers tools for better interaction with kids, teens, adults, including those with ADHD or anxiety.
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We recommend using this distillation as a supplemental resource to the source material.
Full Notes
Dr. Becky Kennedy on Parenting and Relationships
- Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist specializing in parent-child relationships
- Received her degrees and training at Duke University and Columbia University
- Author of the best-selling book “Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be”
- Founder and creator of an online learning platform “Good Inside”
- Her work pertains to all types of relationships, not just parent-child
- Includes romantic relationships, friendships, workplace relationships, and our relationship to self
- Defines the exact job of good parenting and how it relates to other relationships
- Explains how to set healthy boundaries and what they are
- Discusses the importance of empathy and making children and ourselves feel safe in all kinds of relating
- Provides guidance on how to navigate disagreements, arguments, apologies, punishments, rewards, etc.
- Dr. Kennedy’s work is unique because she provides clear, actionable advice for real-world contexts
- Helps individuals understand what to do and say, and what not to do and say in various situations
- Especially useful when situations become difficult or tense
- By the end of the episode, listeners will have learned a dozen or more clinically backed tools to navigate parent-child relating
- Also applicable to relationships with own parents (alive or dead) and relationship to self
Dr. Becky Kennedy’s Definition of Good Parenting
- Defines good parenting as being “sturdy”
- Ability to be connected to oneself and to someone else at the same time
- Knowing one’s values, wants, and needs while also connecting to someone else who may have different wants, needs, and values
- Compares parenting to being a pilot of a plane
- Both require sturdiness and leadership
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Emphasizes the importance of knowing one’s “job” as a parent
- Just as one cannot do well in a job without knowing the job description, one cannot be a good parent without understanding the role and responsibilities of a parent
Parenting: Understanding Boundaries and Empathy
- Just as one cannot do well in a job without knowing the job description, one cannot be a good parent without understanding the role and responsibilities of a parent
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Parents often struggle with understanding their role when their child misbehaves
- Parents have two main roles: setting boundaries and providing empathy and validation
- Boundaries are things parents will do, requiring no action from the child
- Boundaries represent parents’ values, wants, and needs and keep children safe
- Empathy and validation involve recognizing and acknowledging the child’s feelings and experiences as real
- The concept of sturdiness in parenting involves setting firm boundaries while also providing empathy
- Sturdiness sends a clear message of something that doesn’t easily budge
- It’s not a walled-off picture but one that is semi-permeable, allowing for empathy and connection
Understanding Boundaries in Action
- Boundaries are what parents tell someone they will do, and they require the other person to do nothing
- For example, if a child doesn’t turn off the TV after being asked, a boundary would be the parent taking the remote and turning off the TV
- Boundaries are not requests; they are actions parents take to uphold their values and needs
- They are not dependent on the child’s actions or responses
- Boundaries can be misunderstood as requests, leading to confusion and frustration when children don’t “respect” the boundaries
- True boundaries are upheld by the parent, not the child
The Role of Empathy in Parenting
- Empathy involves recognizing and acknowledging the child’s feelings and experiences as real
- It doesn’t necessarily involve agreeing with or condoning the child’s behavior
- Empathy and boundaries are not mutually exclusive; they are partners in parenting
- When a child is upset about a boundary, parents can validate their feelings while still upholding the boundary
- The process of setting boundaries and validating feelings helps children learn emotion regulation
The Balance of Rules and Relationships in Parenting
- Parenting approaches often focus on either rules or relationships, but both are necessary for effective parenting
- Rules without relationships can lead to rebellion
- Relationships without rules can lead to a lack of structure and safety
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Children crave both boundaries (rules) and feeling seen and understood (relationships)
- As children grow up, they are constantly asking (though not verbally), “Am I real and am I safe?”
Children’s Emotions and Behavior
- As children grow up, they are constantly asking (though not verbally), “Am I real and am I safe?”
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Children’s feelings are real, even if they seem trivial to adults
- Validating children’s feelings helps them understand that their internal experiences are real
- Children crave connection through boundaries and empathy
- Boundaries provide a sense of safety and control
- Empathy and validation provide emotional connection
Rewards and Punishments in Parenting
- Oversized rewards can distort a child’s understanding of reward mechanisms
- Rewards and punishments are often used to manage behavior
- However, this approach may not effectively teach children skills or foster resilience
- Rewards and punishments are based on assumptions about child behavior
- These assumptions may not reflect the reality of children’s experiences or needs
Alternative Approaches to Behavior Management
- Children are inherently good and want to contribute meaningfully to their communities
- Bad behavior often reflects a lack of skills to manage feelings or urges
- Instead of punishing behavior, parents can help children develop the skills they need
- Rewards and punishments may not be necessary for teaching children to participate in daily tasks
- Instead, parents can help children understand the importance of their contributions and find ways to remember their responsibilities
- This approach fosters problem-solving skills and a sense of purpose
The Importance of Purpose and Realness
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Children want to feel real and have a purpose
- Feeling real involves being able to make a difference in the world
- This sense of realness and purpose can be fostered by helping children understand their impact on their communities and the world around them.
Understanding Child Behavior and Parenting
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Children are inherently good
- Some systems of behavioral control may imply a lack of trust in children
- Trust and control are opposites — controlling what we don’t trust
- Parenting involves coaching kids, setting boundaries, and validating their experiences
- Kids form their identity from our reflection of them
- High rates of mental health problems may be linked to a lack of trust and validation in children
Impingement in Parenting
- Impingement: imposing on a child’s natural desires or aversions
- Balancing impingement and allowing children to make decisions is a challenge
- Parents should set boundaries and make key family decisions
- Children’s feelings should not dictate boundaries, and vice versa
- Example: If a child doesn’t want to go to a social event
- Validate their feelings: “I believe you.”
- Explain the importance of doing things we don’t want to do for the sake of family or personal growth
- Offer support and understanding, but maintain the boundary
Building Confidence and Self-Trust in Children
- Confidence comes from the experience of being believed
- Confidence is self-trust, knowing how one feels
- Parents should validate their children’s feelings and experiences
- This doesn’t mean letting feelings dictate decisions
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Parents should hold hope for their children’s ability to cope and grow
- This helps children see a more mature version of themselves
Effective Communication in Relationships
- This helps children see a more mature version of themselves
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The phrase “I believe you” can instill real confidence over time
- Different from “I hear you” — “I believe you” validates the person’s feelings and experiences
- It makes the person feel real and safe
- It can diffuse tension and lead to more productive conversations
- This approach is applicable in various relationships, not just parent-child
- Can be used in friendships, romantic relationships, and coworker relationships
- Three key phrases for effective communication when someone is upset:
- “I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this.”
- “I believe you.”
- “Tell me more.”
Understanding Trauma
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Trauma: an event or set of circumstances that fundamentally change the way that the brain and nervous system work, leading to a maladaptive response going forward
- Not every bad thing that happens is a trauma
- There are microtraumas (small t) and macro traumas (big t), which could be multi-event or single event
Understanding Trauma and Responsibility
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Trauma is about confusion over who’s responsible
- Especially when we’re young, the brain interprets traumatic events as our responsibility
- Trauma is not about events, but how an event gets processed
- Gabor Mate’s definition of trauma: “It’s not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside of you.”
- Events with high emotionality that get processed in aloneness become traumatic
- This is linked to the confusion about responsibility
The Impact of Parental Actions on Children
- Children are dependent on their parents for safety
- When the source of safety becomes the source of danger, it’s confusing for a child
- Children cannot understand that their parents might just have had a bad day
- They take on the “badness” to maintain control
- Children either self-blame or self-doubt to regulate and feel safe again
- This leads to adults who doubt themselves or blame themselves for everything
The Importance of Repair in Parent-Child Relationships
- Repair process starts with the parent repairing with themselves
- Separate your identity from your behavior
- A good repair with a child involves acknowledging the wrong behavior and promising to do better next time
- It’s not about getting forgiveness from the child, but giving them an experience of repair
- A good apology is simple and acknowledges the child’s feelings
- “I’m sorry I yelled” is a good start
- Adding “It’s not your fault” can also be helpful, as children often default to blaming themselves
Real-Time Tools for Stress Modulation
- Real-time tools are needed for dealing with stress in the moment
- These are different from tools used after relaxation or rest
- A good internal landscape for apology involves acknowledging your own struggles
- Mantras can be helpful, such as “I’m a good parent who is having a hard time”
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A good apology acknowledges the wrong behavior and promises to do better next time
- It doesn’t need to be complicated or perfect, just sincere and acknowledging the child’s feelings.
Dealing with Retorts and Rudeness in Parenting
- Role identity is key to the brain
- Good boundaries are about our own boundaries, not expecting a change in behavior from others
- Often, when a child says “I hate you,” it’s a reflection of deep disappointment or hurt
- Children have all the feelings adults have, but none of the skills to manage them
- The goal is to help children express disappointment maturely, e.g., “I was really looking forward to that”
- Sending a child to their room or telling them they’re nasty only reinforces a negative self-image
- In the moment, doing nothing can be a powerful strategy, allowing the child to reown their words
- Outside the moment, parents can help children build emotional regulation skills through practice and simulations
Fear in Parenting
- Some parents may fear their children’s potential responses or the threat of emotional outbursts
- This fear can lead to children controlling their parents, but it doesn’t make them feel safe
- Parents may worry about how their child might turn out if they were to lay down the law
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The goal is to help children feel safe and develop emotional regulation skills, not to control them through fear.
Understanding Deeply Feeling Kids -
Deeply feeling kids experience feelings in an intense way
- They don’t have the skills to manage these intense feelings
- They can have big, massive tantrums that look animalistic
- These kids can hold the family emotionally hostage
- If they don’t get their way, they can scream and cry for hours
- Deeply feeling kids get into a cycle with their parents
- They have intense emotions more often, leading to more escalations
- These escalations are often met with invalidation from parents
- Parents need to be sturdy leaders
- They need to be equally firm and warm
- They need to set boundaries and contain the child’s feelings
- Deeply feeling kids are super sensors
- They notice small details and can be sensitive to certain environments
- These kids have a deep fear of abandonment and being too much
- Their vulnerability sits close to their shame
- They experience their feelings as attackers
- Deeply feeling kids can also express love and joy with the same intensity
- However, this depends on their stage of development and the nature of the interactions they’ve received back
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These kids need to be seen as good kids
- They are tenacious and know what they want
- They can change the world if they have boundaries, otherwise they can become tyrants.
Understanding Deeply Feeling Kids
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Deeply feeling kids are highly sensitive and emotional
- They often reject typical parenting strategies and validation of their feelings
- They fear being taken over and intruded upon, leading to resistance
- Over time, deeply feeling kids can become more affectionate and loving
- They need to feel safe to access their deep love
Gender Differences in Deeply Feeling Kids
- No significant gender differences have been observed in deeply feeling kids
- More research is needed to confirm this
Common Traits of Deeply Feeling Kids
- Deeply feeling kids often push away their parents when they need them the most
- This is a common trait among these kids
- The deeply feeling kid phenotype is not a DSM diagnosis
- It is a continuum and overlaps with neurodivergence and ADHD
Prevalence of Deeply Feeling Kids
- The prevalence of deeply feeling kids is estimated to be around 20%
- This is a high percentage but feels accurate based on observations
- The number of deeply feeling kids seems to be increasing
- This could be due to the highly stimulating world we live in
Deeply Feeling Kids and Performance
- Many successful performing artists are deeply feeling individuals
- Their ability to evoke immense emotion in others is a characteristic of deeply feeling individuals
Parenting Strategies for Deeply Feeling Kids
- Parents should avoid punishing or giving timeouts to deeply feeling kids
- These strategies are not effective and do not feel good to kids or parents
- Parents should help their kids understand their experiences and emotions
- This is more important than focusing on what the other parent is doing wrong
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Parents should provide a safe space for their kids to process their experiences
- This helps the kids feel less alone and more understood.
Child-Parent Communication
- This helps the kids feel less alone and more understood.
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Children often just want to be heard, not necessarily for the parent to solve their problems
- Parents and children often struggle to understand each other
- Parents and children need to be on the “same page”
- If a partner refuses to engage in understanding the child’s perspective, it’s a relationship problem, not a parenting problem
ADHD and Energy in Children
- Children, especially boys, often have a lot of energy that needs to be channeled, not suppressed
- It’s more effective to tell children what they can do rather than what they can’t do
- Parents and children should work together, not against each other
- For example, if a child has a lot of energy, let them run around before doing homework
Meditation and Self-Regulation in Children
- Teaching children tools like meditation and long exhale breathing can help with self-regulation
- However, the benefits of these tools may be offset by the increased input from social media and other sources
The Impact of Instant Gratification
- The immediate escape from frustration to gratification is prevalent in children’s lives today
- This instant gratification can lead to a decreased tolerance for frustration in both children and parents
- Inserting frustration into a child’s life early on can help them learn to tolerate it
Screen Time and Learning
- Screen time can teach children that they can get rewards (dopamine) without effort
- This can lead to difficulties when children have to put in effort to learn something new, like reading
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Parents should focus on helping their children develop a healthy relationship with frustration to prepare them for learning and other challenges.
Learning Space and Frustration -
Learning is the space between not knowing how to do something and successfully doing it
- This space is inherently frustrating, which is the right feeling to be feeling
- Goal should be to lengthen the amount of time one can be in the learning space
- Teaching children to be comfortable in the learning space is important
- It’s the same circuit for learning how to read, do a project, etc.
- Encourage children to do hard things and reassure them that frustration is a normal part of learning
The Role of Neuromodulators in Learning
- The brain changes when neuromodulators like epinephrine/adrenaline are present in the body and brain
- These signal that the nervous system needs to change for something to be accomplished
- The anterior mid cingulate cortex is activated when people do things they don’t want to do
- This translates to success in academic endeavors and other environments
- This brain structure is highly plastic and can be built up through one thing, and that translates to other things
Parenting and Boundaries
- Parenting involves setting boundaries and providing empathy and validation
- This can also apply to the relationship with oneself
- It’s important to validate feelings and set boundaries for them
- Feelings are a part of us, but not all of us
Reinforcing Wins
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Children do internalize patterns, but it can be helpful to encapsulate moments of success for them
- However, it’s important to ensure that this is done for the child’s benefit, not the parent’s
Parenting and Communication
- However, it’s important to ensure that this is done for the child’s benefit, not the parent’s
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Using phrases like “I’m noticing” can help children feel seen and not controlled
- Encourage children to talk about their experiences and what led to their successes
- Avoid asking questions that are actually statements or criticisms
- Use phrases like “I wonder” to lower defensiveness and encourage open conversation
Understanding Emotions
- Cultures with more nuanced language for emotions have better emotion tolerance
- Teaching children to understand and identify a range of emotions can be beneficial
- Resilience is the ability to tolerate a wide range of emotions
- Encourage children to explore their emotions and understand that all emotions can be held in connection with someone else
Adolescence and Identity Formation
- Adolescence is a time of rapid change and identity formation
- Parents often feel a sense of loss as their children become more independent
- Adolescents need to separate from their parents to form their own identities
- Despite their independence, adolescents still need their parents and a sense of home
- Parents should continue to make efforts to connect with their adolescents, even when they are rejected
The Importance of Connection
- The circuits for attachment formed in childhood persist into adulthood
- These circuits are repurposed for different relationships, but the need for connection remains
- Parents should continue to make efforts to connect with their children, even as they grow and change
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Connection is crucial for emotional understanding and resilience.
Childhood Attachment and Adult Attachment -
Children often check for the presence of their caretakers when exploring new environments
- This is a fundamental circuit of looking back to ensure safety
- The distance they feel they can go is directly related to the number of times they’ve been able to verify the presence of their parent
- The concept of explorers versus nomads
- Explorers have a home base and feel safe to venture out
- Nomads feel adrift and untethered
The Importance of Expressing Love
- Expressing love to children is crucial, regardless of their behavior
- This doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior, but acknowledging the child’s inherent goodness
- Children who behave the worst are often in the deepest pain
Understanding Teenagers
- Teenagers are exploring a new world and are often in a lot of pain
- Parents should strive to understand their world better, even if it’s unfamiliar
- Parents should approach their teen as if they’re on the same team, not as adversaries
Family Meetings
- Can be a useful tool for addressing ongoing conflicts and working through problems
- Should be approached as a team effort, with ideas from both parents and children considered
Parenting and Self-Care
- Parents should not allow their role as caregivers to take over their entire identity
- They need to tend to their own needs as well
- Parents who neglect their non-caregiving needs are more vulnerable to moments of rage
- Children need sturdy leaders, and sturdiness involves not allowing oneself to be taken over by any one thing, including the parent-child relationship
Single Parent vs. Two Parents
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Having one sturdy leader in a child’s life is massively protective
- However, it’s unclear whether having two sturdy leaders is better than one.
Parenting and Child Behavior
- However, it’s unclear whether having two sturdy leaders is better than one.
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Children do not need perfectly attuned caregivers
- Perfection is not the goal, sturdiness is
- Sturdiness includes the ability to rupture, mess up, and repair
- Children are expert noticers and act like sponges
- They notice and absorb the behavior of their parents
- Affectionate, responsible, and healthy communication in parents can be beneficial for children
- Conversely, yelling and conflict can be harmful if not addressed and discussed with the child
- It’s important to talk to children about conflicts and difficult situations
- Leaving them alone with their observations and feelings can be harmful
- Teens can manifest their struggles in various ways
- This can include behavioral outbursts, withdrawal, depression, violence, isolation, and eating disorders
- Parents should seek additional support if they notice a significant impact on their child’s overall functioning
- This can include a decline in school performance, limited social interactions, increased conflict at home, and a fear to intervene in line with their values
- Seeking additional help is a sign of what’s right with a family, not what’s wrong
- Parents should not let their child’s feelings about therapy dictate their boundary
- They should express their love and concern for their child’s safety, even if it makes the child unhappy
- Parents should be the pilot until their child is 18 and can take control of their own life
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Letting a child make their own decision when they’re clearly in trouble can make them feel unsafe.
Understanding Teenagers’ Emotions and Reactions -
Teenagers’ words often represent their fears, not their actual feelings towards you
- They are talking to their emotions, not to you
- Parents should not take these words literally, but understand that their child is in pain
The Role of Non-Parent Mentors
- Non-parent mentors can provide healthy examples and guidance that parents may not be able to
- These mentors can be real-life figures, authors, or even online personalities
- Children can internalize healthy aspects from these mentors
- It’s not necessary or healthy for parents to be everything to their children
- This can set children up for relationship disappointment in the future
- Encouraging children to seek guidance from other sources is beneficial for their development
Understanding Entitlement
- Entitlement is the fear of frustration
- This fear can be instilled in children when parents constantly remove obstacles and frustrations from their path
- Entitlement can appear as demanding behavior, but it is often a sign of vulnerability and fear
- It’s important for children to experience and learn to cope with frustration, rather than having it constantly removed by their parents.
The Impact of Overindulgence
- Overindulgence can lead to a constant desire for more, which is never satisfied
- This is due to the recalibration of dopamine circuits to a higher threshold
- Overindulgence can also create a narrow view of the world, where everything outside of infinite resources and ease is seen as dangerous
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It’s important to set boundaries and limits on experiences to avoid these negative outcomes.
Fear and Threat State -
Fear can put individuals in a threat state
- This state can cause individuals to appear mean or nasty
- It results in a narrowing of the eyes
- Fear is not always tied to money
- However, money can be used to alleviate a child’s frustration
- It also helps parents avoid dealing with their child’s frustration
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